"Struggle"

Time will bring the real end of our trial
One day there'll be no remnants no trace
No residual feelings within ya
One day you won't remember me.

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription
For the remedy
I had to set you free.

Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be when you are not with me
I had to lead
I had to let
I had to leave
I had to live

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into a lie
Baby believe me I'm sorry I told you lies

I turned day into night
Sleep till I die a thousand times
I should have showed you better nights, better times, better days
And I miss you more and more

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around
-Maxwell, "Pretty Wings"

For a short while now one of my brothers has been telling me to listen to this song that's out now by one of my favorite artists, Maxwell. So, I burn it on a cd and listened, its called "Pretty Wings" by the way. And as I sat in my truck on the ride home I really listened. As he sang, I thought. A flood of memories crowded my mind. Memories of a girl I loved so much that I was willing to give everything up just to keep her with me, just to keep her safe.

It took me back to how I felt standing in the rain watching her leave me forever. Watching my whole future slip away from me and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Even if there was something I could do, sadly, I didn't have the energy to do it. As the rain streamed down my face and soaked my clothes, I hated the clouds because at that moment they could weep and I could not. Or maybe they wept in my behalf. In any event, I felt taxed, taxed to the point of breaking. I stared into a bottomless chasm and had no desire to restrain myself from falling.

Needless to say I didn't eat, sleep, or even function quite the same as I used to prior to this happening. I hated myself for letting her leave, for not fighting for her. After all, she was supposed to be my wife.

The song is finished now and sit in my truck stunned but at the same time oddly liberated. The song had said what I had been feeling for a while after I found myself again, after I again took control of my destiny, and after I had allowed the situation to be exactly what it was. Our two worlds could exist, but not in contact with each other. Though I loved her, I was killing myself just to keep her. Love like that isn't pure. Its tarnished. Too many things had happened and those things obscured what the love between us had truly been. It had died a long time ago and we fought just to keep the remnants of it alive.

I am thankful that I didn't allow this loss to destroy me.