Manhood: Accepting Responsibility

"To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right." - Confuscious

In the mornings, before work, I usually listen to the radio and sort through the various morning shows. Well, this morning I happened to be listening to the Rickey Smiley Morning Show, ("great show almost as good as Steve Harvey's Morning Show"). They were discussing National AIDS day, which was yesterday. As the show progressed the topic of discussion centered around a lady who called in and was emotionally distraught. Why? Her husband of 24 years was compelled to share a secret he had be holding for 5 years. He was HIV positive! She was mortified because she had already lost a brother to AIDS. She said that he became angry because he felt that she wasn't taking his emotional needs into consideration, and that it took him quite a bit of courage to finally come clean. As she sobbed on the phone, she repeatedly admonished the ladies listening in on the show to know that "men don't care about you"! I think it would be relavent in this situation to say that she was a black woman.

I'm almost at a loss for words. It really takes a person who has no respect for himself or anyone else to contract a deadly disease by being unfaithful, and then conceal the knowledge of this disease from those that love him the most just to save face. This is utterly sickening.

To put things into perspective, here are some current statistics taken by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

• Blacks accounted for 51% of the 42,655 (including children) new HIV/AIDS diagnoses in 34 states with long-term, confidential name-based HIV reporting.

• Blacks accounted for 48% of the 551,932 persons* (including children) living with HIV/AIDS in 34 states with long-term, confidential name-based HIV reporting.

• For black women living with HIV/AIDS, the most common methods of transmission were high-risk heterosexual contact** and injection drug use.
  

(Source: http://www.thebody.com/content/whatis/art17002.html)

The most common method of transmission for black women is high-risk heterosexual contact. High risk heterosexual contact is having relations without the benefit of protection. This contact doesn't negate those who are married and in a supposedly committed relationship. When a person vows before God and his mate to remain faithful and true, this is a commitment that is not easily fulfilled. But, how is it appropriate to be unfaithful and give a deadly disease to your mate due to the fact that you didn't take your vows seriously? Your wife or your husband contracted a terminal illness because you didn't have the presence of mind to control your sexual urges. Animals we are not. Yet, with some of the actions taken by those who claim to be intelligent human beings, you could surely mistake them for animals. I do understand that a person can sometimes slip into a situation because of negligence and a lack of proper attention. But along with what is stated above, a person must take responsibility for what he or she chooses to do. The gentleman, and I use the term loosely, that is mentioned above could have chosen to do the right thing at any time during this whole predicament. He could have chosen not to be unfaithful at the beginning. He could have chosen to go home to his wife instead of accepting the sexual advances of another. He should have chosen to come clean before he ever had relations with his wife because that is where the real selfishness lies. After contracting HIV, he didn't warn his wife at all. He exposed her to it without her knowledge and that in my mind is criminal.

This issue speaks at the heart of a pandemic in the world, but especially in the African American community. We take too much for granted. HIV is ravishing all of our mothers, wives, and sisters and all we choose to do is spread it with greater force. All of us, but especially the men in this community, are asleep at the wheel. It is our job to protect our women. Too long have we allowed problems to run rampant that we ourselves should have resolved long ago. By educating one's self and family about a few simple rules, one can prevent a lot of heartache and anguish:

"A stands for "abstinence" (not having sex of any kind). Abstaining from sexual activities, including vaginal, anal, or oral sex, is the surest way to avoid HIV.
B is for "be faithful." Being in a sexual relationship with only one partner who is also faithful to you can help protect you. This limits your number of sexual partners and the possibility of infection.
C is for condoms. Using a male latex condom for all types of sexual contact can greatly lower your risk of getting HIV during sex. If you or your partner is allergic to latex, use polyurethane condoms. If your partner can’t or won’t use a condom, you can use a female condom. It may protect against HIV, but it’s not as good as a male latex condom. “Natural” or “lambskin” condoms don’t protect against HIV. Be aware that condoms don't provide complete protection against HIV. The only sure protection is abstinence (not having sex of any kind)." -(Source: http://www.womenshealth.gov/hiv/prevention/)

Its time that we start taking responsibility for what we've been entrusted with.

"Down but not Out!"

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. " -Dr. William Henry Cosby, Jr.

Many times in life you are handed a set of circumstances that are completely unexpected and completely beyond your ability to control. Yet, when these situations do come about you find yourself reacting in the way that's characteristic of you as an individual. Case in point: You receive a pink slip one day after arriving to work, or you undergo some sort of change that makes it appear to you that your hard work and incredible efforts are useless.

In this, or any, emotionally taxing situation one can find his or herself looking down the chasm of despair and not knowing exactly how to reorganize and recover. Personally, having been put into the aforementioned situations numerous times, I must say that it can be a trying time in life. However, despair is a state of mind, and like all states of mind, it can be changed.

What I'm here suggesting is not a mentality of utter hopelessness, but one of forward progress and movement. A deficiency in one area most definitely leads to a surplus in another area. A person needs to find that surplus, whether emotional or financial or otherwise, and dwell on it. That positive notion will allow the person to progress and recover. Life is full of difficult situations that are difficult because of the way they are perceived. A change in perception = a change is situation.

Lately, I've gone through quite a bit of difficult situations that were surmounted because I refuse to give up in believing that my struggle in the face of difficulty would produce "good fruits". One of the main philosophies that I continue to advocate is that a person should not and cannot limit his or herself in whatever they want to accomplish. A lack of accomplishment of goals in those around us must not limit what it is that we have the potential to accomplish.

"Limitations"

In life many times, a person wishes to accomplish some new goal or achieve some new direction for themselves. In that instance, a person has many things going through his or her mind. Will I be able to achieve this goal? Will it be worth my effort in the end? Will this decision cost me later on in life? To answer each one of those questions takes honesty on the part of the individual. He or she must know his or her own limitations. Herein lies the problem.

A person must be aware of his or her own limitations. That would mean knowing and promoting your strong points and working on your weak ones. In this area I find lately that, if allowed, people will take it upon themselves to set limits for you. They will tell you how far you can go and what you are and are not capable of doing. You may have a goal set that they themselves don't see the value in or that they had at one time and couldn't achieve. At any rate, they allow their negative attitudes to be known. They intentionally do things to limit your progress and everything that is within their power to do they perform. If not all at once, gradually they set out to limit you as someone in the past has limited them.

Now whether you know me personally, or you've just been reading my blogs, you know that this is not the mentality that I subscribe to. One human does not have the ability to specify the limitations of another. Why?

1. Humans cannot read the heart. They don't know your inmost thoughts and intentions.

2. They don't know what you've had to face or what you've overcome.

3. They don't know your work ethic.

4. They cannot tell the future.

Bottom line, no one can decide for you what your limits are. They can however exert enough negative influence to dissuade you from achieving you goals. But, that's only if you are easily swayed, swayed by people who neither know your potential or have faith in your abilities. You know yourself, and having said that you know what you can accomplish and when you can accomplish it. If you know like I know, then you know and believe that you can accomplish anything at anytime.

That picture is one taken atop Mount Everest. I'm sure somebody didn't believe this could be done either!

"Facing Fears"

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Many times in life you have stare face to face into the one thing in life that you are totally unprepared for, and yet strangely here you are toe to toe, chest to chest with you fear. Neither party is willing to back down. Each unwilling to recognize the right of way of the other party.

Challenges in life most often come at the most inopportune time. They come when you're already taxed, already pushed to your physical limits, and already exhausted from previous battles. Yet, there is a funny thing about human beings: We are built to exceed our limits. Think for a moment and go back in your mind. Can you remember thinking the same thing about one of the obstacles that you utterly obliterated in the past? Can you remember the feeling you had when you successfully weathered a horrendous storm of difficulties? Of course you do. That's why at the moment that a new obstacle surfaces. You tend not to panic but to go into the mode that you are most familiar with. You go into the "hero" mode as I would like to call it. You have in the back of your mind a thought that you have held with you ever since your first victory. You know you can win, and better than that you know that your victory will not be some long and drawn out battle. You can win and you can do it right now.

I digress to say that the "hero" mindset is reserved for those who want to win in the first place and not allow themselves to be encumbered by doubt or temporary ignorance. The drive to keep going in the face of hardship is one that cannot be done without in this case. If this trait is not present then the individual will be swallowed up whole by his own imperfections and insecurities.

A person with the "hero" mindset works through pain and believes its just weakness escaping the body. I live on that level and I have found it to be not only effective but rather liberating.

Couldn't help myself with the picture. Rocky and Russian...classic.
Source: http://www.gaia.com/quotes/topics/facing+fear#ixzz0JpItFeSW&D

"Struggle"

Time will bring the real end of our trial
One day there'll be no remnants no trace
No residual feelings within ya
One day you won't remember me.

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription
For the remedy
I had to set you free.

Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be when you are not with me
I had to lead
I had to let
I had to leave
I had to live

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into a lie
Baby believe me I'm sorry I told you lies

I turned day into night
Sleep till I die a thousand times
I should have showed you better nights, better times, better days
And I miss you more and more

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around
-Maxwell, "Pretty Wings"

For a short while now one of my brothers has been telling me to listen to this song that's out now by one of my favorite artists, Maxwell. So, I burn it on a cd and listened, its called "Pretty Wings" by the way. And as I sat in my truck on the ride home I really listened. As he sang, I thought. A flood of memories crowded my mind. Memories of a girl I loved so much that I was willing to give everything up just to keep her with me, just to keep her safe.

It took me back to how I felt standing in the rain watching her leave me forever. Watching my whole future slip away from me and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Even if there was something I could do, sadly, I didn't have the energy to do it. As the rain streamed down my face and soaked my clothes, I hated the clouds because at that moment they could weep and I could not. Or maybe they wept in my behalf. In any event, I felt taxed, taxed to the point of breaking. I stared into a bottomless chasm and had no desire to restrain myself from falling.

Needless to say I didn't eat, sleep, or even function quite the same as I used to prior to this happening. I hated myself for letting her leave, for not fighting for her. After all, she was supposed to be my wife.

The song is finished now and sit in my truck stunned but at the same time oddly liberated. The song had said what I had been feeling for a while after I found myself again, after I again took control of my destiny, and after I had allowed the situation to be exactly what it was. Our two worlds could exist, but not in contact with each other. Though I loved her, I was killing myself just to keep her. Love like that isn't pure. Its tarnished. Too many things had happened and those things obscured what the love between us had truly been. It had died a long time ago and we fought just to keep the remnants of it alive.

I am thankful that I didn't allow this loss to destroy me.

"Obstacles"

"Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up." - Anonymous

In life many times a person is confronted with difficult situations. These situations may easily be subdued and life goes on. But, a situation becomes an obstacle when in life's race you have to carry this burdensome issue with you until either it has worked itself out or you have put positive energies into working it out. I will be the first to tell you that neither avenue is an easy one. It is as if you know what needs to happen to relieve yourself of your burden yet you don't have the sufficient resources at present to effect change. Or it could be that something deep inside you tells you that even if you do use the proper energies that the situation will not change but that it will add more to your burden.

More specifically though, people can prove themselves an obstacle to you. For almost 2 years now I have been struggling with just such an obstacle. Just lately it has been my determination not to allow anyone to have an influence on me that make me harbor resentment. Easier said than done! More times than not the offender feels that mercy should be extended, though when they were committing the offense they had no regard for the other person. Then also if you are genuinely trying to be a good person, then you feel obligated to respond with such forgiveness. Yet, the same situation continues to recur. At what point do you digress and set firm boundaries for this person or group of people? If you know me then you know that this decision is one that will be made sooner than later. I have a more direct way of handling situations like this. Usually, the offenders will try to make you look like a monster of sorts because you refuse to budge even a millimeter on the stance you've taken. But didn't we just establish that their pattern of behavior is recurring. I can not speak for anyone else, but myself. I cut people like this off at the knees. I deal only with difficulties I have to deal with. Extra anxieties are the first ones to go. Yet, I will admit the manner in which I choose to cut individuals off is vicious to say the least. But in my defense I am a very patient individual. I believe in change over time, but I won't accept a second of disrespect, especially from those who are judgmental. Everyone who has worked hard to get where they are can understand me quite clearly. A person who sees you working hard and would rather tear you down mentally and emotionally does not deserve the courtesy of being spoken to or treated with dignity because they don't afford you any. Sadly, I have even had to bar these individuals from my house completely. This was done to drive home the point that I am the head of my house and any decisions that are made will come through me or they will meet with unimaginable opposition. To the point where when they visit they sit outside in their vehicles parked in the street. However, they wish to handle the situation, just know that I mean business.

But in the midst of all of this I can not help but to think that if I reacted like they do, it would make you no better than them.

"Reflection"

Today we take it easy people. We been going hard all week. Let's take a break and just mellow out. I mean today is Friday, the work week is most definitely about to end and all I can say is "Thank You". Its funny how you worry so much about your livelihood, but at the same time your livelihood could contribute to your downfall. Case in point: Some work themselves into a stupor the first 30-40 years of their lives with no regard for their health and they spend the latter 40 trying to get their health back. So, please take care of yourselves. You only get one life and you should make the best of it. Live a balanced life and you will be able to enjoy all your life. You won't be poor and you may not be rich, but with the enjoyment of life comes family and good friends. I'll take that over the headaches of striving to be wealthy any day. BE EASY!